Should Santa Claus (and his wife) Stop Eating So Many Cookies?

Poor Santa, he certainly has not kept up with modern times. No internet, no computer, no 3-D printer assisted toy maker, and certainly no electric sleigh (or self driving one for that matter). And somehow Santa and his wife have not heard health professionals lament our excessive intake of sugar.

Consider this:

He used to be thin. Orginally, a long time ago, he started out life as a monk (and monks did not eat cookies) and eventually became a Bishop in a town in what is now Turkey. This was around 270, a time way before people thought much about the North Pole and its toy making factory. In his spare time, he gave away money he had inherited by throwing coins and gifts through the windows of homes in which children lived. But no one reciprocated by feeding him sweets.

Eventually, as St. Nicholas (this was long after his death) he became the patron saint of children. Still thin.

Then something happened several centuries later. St. Nicholas was transformed into a chubby (well more than chubby) jovial, cookie eating distributor of gifts because of a poem, meter and rhyme.

In l822, Clemet Clarke Moore, an Episcopal minister wrote the poem, The Night before Christmas, * and Santa lost his buff figure forever.  Others helped enlarge his figure; a cartoonist Thomas Nast drew Santa with a large belly in l890, and Washington Irving described him as a fat Dutch elf. And finally, Coca-Cola gave us the image we associate with him today by picturing St. Nick in a red suit with a white beard, of course.

Given the ubiquity of sugary snacks available to this now robust figure, it is really amazing that he does not grower fatter with every passing century or require a supply of insulin in his sleigh because surely he must have developed diabetes by now! Will he still eat cookies containing gluten, or might this affect his intestinal tract and mood?  Does he know about Grain Brain? We don’t want the presence of gluten to change his “HO HO HO!” into, “Oh, oh, oh….”

Why is he eating carbohydrates at all? That surely must be the reason he is still fat. If he followed the Paleo diet he might be thinner, and also be able to use wooly mammoths to drive his sleigh, rather than reindeer.

And really, what kind of example is he to our children? All year we try to get them to eat healthily, limit their snacks to baby carrots and plain yogurt, and make sure they eat nothing, or almost nothing, with sugar. We try to make sure they get enough exercise, and that they not depend on us to drive them everywhere. And then on Dec 24 along comes this guy who won’t even walk from house to house, no matter how close they are, but insists on riding to each one on a sleigh. He goes down a chimney (how much exercise is there in that? It is all downhill!) and his sleigh is waiting for him at the door. And there are those cookies. Does he even bring them home to his wife? Probably, because she is not exactly svelte herself.

Perhaps his focus on sweet carbohydrates means that like so many who live in northern part of the world, he is suffering from Winter Depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (“SAD”). SAD suffers have an urgent need to consume sweets, especially in the late afternoon and evening. Maybe if he lived at the South Pole he would be not be so chunky and addicted to chunky chocolate chip cookies; seeing there it is summer in December, and the sun barely sets.

Of course none of us knows whether he and his spouse go on diets on January 2 like most of the world.  They may go the Weight Watchers equivalent at the North Pole, or endure a weeks-long cleanse or eat only meat (reindeer?).  But like most of the world, by next fall they will probably have gained back all the weight they lost, and Santa will be pudgy again. Should someone put out a diet book next to the cookies? Or at least some baby carrots?

But then again, if he loses masses of weight, his clothes will be too loose and worse yet, he will not be the Santa of Moore’s poem whose “little round belly laughed like a bowl full of jelly.”  So keep those cookies by the chimney. With care.

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